I’ve finally had a minute to not be lazy and actually write a post. I mainly need to just get something off my mind here.
I’ve been Vegan for almost a month and it hasn’t been easy because not only have I gone Vegan, I realize that I have to be gluten-free too otherwise I get bloated and want to either pass out or throw up. To add that to my desire to avoid weird chemicals in food, you’d think I couldn’t eat anything. But that’s beside the point because I eat amazing food. Actually, eating Vegan isn’t hard when I’m at home with my kid.
It’s mainly when I’m around other people and we’re eating out. Don’t get me wrong I have friends who support my choice, it’s the other people who I KNOW, even if I tried to bring it up, it would be this terrible, not comfortable experience with debates and weird excuses that just shouldn’t happen. And then, awkward silences while eating said food. One time I was with someone and they finally just straight out told me that he didn’t want me to think he was a bad person.
Anyway, so I went out with a few friends yesterday who came in from out of town and our original restaurant of choice was a Mexican restaurant or Asian restaurant, which would be easy for me to choose Vegan because beans and rice. However, they were closed and we ended up going to a Peruvian place which basically offered nothing Vegan in their menu except for the sides of potatoes, fried cassava and plantain chips that came. I ended up eating some of the fish while trying to eat around everything else. And then just stuffed my face with the potatoes, drank my no straw water and cried on the inside.
I felt so guilty because I was like, “Oh yeah, all of this food is great.”
While on the inside I was like, NO! Let’s go somewhere else. I’d never eat any of this and the last time I ate at this place I wasn’t Vegan. I am a HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING for sitting here doing all of this.
I love my friends but they aren’t ever going to stop eating meat. Not these ones anyway. I felt like I just contributed to the death of animals by ordering all this food with them and watching them eat it, including my son, who honestly only eats meat when he’s around other people. Lately I’ve been trying to talk to him more about everything and have even showed him kid videos from Bite Size Vegan.
My main point is that even though I tried, I felt terrible. Why is it that I felt so pressured to not make waves? I felt like I was literally hiding a part of myself trying to conform because I wasn’t doing anything about it and was quietly trying to eat everything that wasn’t meat. The last time I saw them they knew I was trying to be Vegetarian. I just felt stressed that I was going to ruin a moment with my friends who I never get to see. All of this stemmed from insecurities going on inside me because I love my friends and want them to love me back. I don’t want them to think that I think they are horrible people because they aren’t.
I’m just the one who changed, who is different. I can’t look at food the same way EVER again. They ordered milk and I just thought of the Mommy cows who’s kids are taken from them and they are raped and impregnated over and over again.
Sometimes I find myself having conversations with people and I’m literally trying to justify their choices or understand where they are coming from while defending mine. I’m so confused!
I’ve already been through all of guilt and confusion with the no garbage thing so I know I’m on the right path. And I know I really am doing my best with everything considering I’m only a few weeks in.
I know I need support so I’ve been trying to find sources of inspiration to remind myself of why I want to be Vegan. I’ve been finding help with how to have conversations with people and basically just not go insane. Vegan Sidekick has helped me immensely this morning.
And while I sometimes find myself policing my own damn self just like this Emily in this video, I remind myself that my honest efforts and intentions are what matters. I’m definitely not chewing on bacon, because bacon anymore.
And the definition of vegan from the Vegan Society is helpful, which Emily outlines “as far as is possible and practicable..” (aka doable) because everyone’s situations and living conditions are different.
Why is it such a “weird” thing to be vegan? Why does it evoke crazy emotions and make people be mean to each other? Why does anything do anything. What is the meaning of LIFE?!
Now that I’m in this group, I get to actually see both sides and being zero waste and vegan is like this whole other world that I never even knew could exist.
Seriously, some of these conversations I read on the support groups are so judgemental.
“I just can’t believe there are zero wasters out there who aren’t vegan. GAWD. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?”
At one point I think I said… “oh hey, that was me. It took me a while to get here but I’m here, can we just be supportive?”
Then I find myself having conversations with myself that are like, “well now that I’m Vegan I could just buy this (insert whatever) thing that’s in plastic because I’m contributing even less to the destruction of the environment. Right? ”
And then I snap out of it. Because who the hell wants to make trips to the dumpster? I love not having a garbage can. And because LANDFILL.
I think what I’m ranting about is my frustration with people’s negativity and underlying hate towards each other. I don’t support animal deaths. I don’t support plastic or contributing to the destruction of the environment. I don’t support a lot of things. But I also don’t support people being judgemental and hating each other and causing fights about it.
I guess for now, I’ll just have to keep making the small steps, zero waste style and continue to work towards being a better person. And continue reading Vegan Sidekick comics so that I can just laugh at the ridiculousness rather than get sad.