Over the last few days (or weeks) I’ve been feeling the November blues and my thoughts haven’t been exactly the most positive, even though with the work that I do and the people I need to connect with, I have to put on the “face.” (It could also be because that time of the month and full moon was happening).
Putting on the “face” can be pretty draining and at the end of the day all I wanted to do was shut off the world, which I couldn’t fully. There was just too much work to be done.
Earlier today I told my brother that I just didn’t want to do anything anymore. I told him I had been starting to question my path and the point of it all. He was probably thinking I was having suicidal thoughts, which from my past isn’t something that would be a surprise. BUT, these thoughts are what I call an experience that I must go through. It is something that happens to me periodically and now it is what I call the “check in.” When I start to have these feelings I need to ask myself if what I am doing with my life is truly what I want and if it isn’t, what parts of it do I need to change and if I can’t change them, then how do I go about accepting it and finding the beauty in what is.
When I start to have these down days, I have had enough experience and gained enough wisdom to just observe my feelings. To know that I have to feel them and that it’s ok to not be happy all of the time. I accept that the darkness is just as beautiful as the light and that especially as an artist, the dark days are what makes the light so much more incredible and it is what makes the world that much more magnificent and glorious to me. The darkness is what gives me the most gratitude in life.
Well I ended up having a conversation with one of my friends who basically validated my feelings of how unimportant we really were in the grand scheme of things and that no matter how much we did to clean up the planet, that eventually we humans will be wiped off of the planet anyway and the earth will eventually heal itself. This sounds incredibly pessimistic, but there is serious truth to this.
We believe we are so incredibly important that we believe that we can destroy something so incredible and enormous as this planet, this world we call Earth. We believe we are so powerful that we can destroy it completely, that what we do is ruining it, when the reality is, we can’t even touch it. We are just humans being blessed to have this life on this huge, beautiful planet. It is a privilege to be on Earth, to experience this world, this Universe. This world, the forces behind it, this Universe is so powerful and so willing to have us be here… but we forget this. We forget that we must be humbled by the fact that we can not and probably will never be able to destroy this planet that has been here for millions and thousands of millions of years. We are but a speck of dust. A tiny drop in the vast ocean. We are nothing in comparison to the power nature and this world has over us.
So why then would someone even bother to live zero waste and do well… anything? What is the point of our existence? What am I doing here besides filling in the gaps between when I was born and when I will die?
These questions are real, regular questions that I need to answer for myself. These questions and these thoughts are part of my journey of growth. This is how I check in with myself.
And so in my feeling of discomfort, I watched this episode of Super Soul Sunday and started to breathe a little easier and remembered my own journey of peace. And then an hour ago I received an e-mail from these YouTubers: Exploring Alternatives, who coincidentally, I actually met the woman (Danielle) by shopping at Market Organics years back when I was a hairstylist. She wants to interview me for their channel because she’s interested in pursuing a Zero Waste life while on the road too!
She inspired me so much I even contacted this person I found on Kijiji who rents out a Doxie Go – a scanner I learned about from watching Danielle’s videos on YouTube! I can scan all of my journals and photos and not have to bring them with me or store them anywhere! I can get rid of them, like I got rid of my yearbooks. And to think I literally was about to purchase this within 5 minutes of learning about it. Yes, consumption can still get me at the best of times, but I’ve become better at stopping myself and asking – “Wait. Maybe I don’t have to buy this at all” and I’ll Kijiji it.
…The Buy Nothing New Challenge – something I’ll write about later but that I’ve been attempting to do.
And all of this is just to say:
It is really true that it is not what I do here on this planet, it is the experiences I have. It is the people I meet. It is the people I connect with on a deeper level. It is the lives that have touched mine and the lives I have touched. And as someone who is a traveller, a free spirit, a wild wolf, a black sheep, a beautiful soul – what my check in has reminded me is this: Your work is important. Your inner work. That is important. Who are you? What do you want to do with your life? What amazing souls will you meet and what will you speak about? What do want to feel and experience out of Life?
Go do that.
The Super Soul Sunday episode, the e-mail, this is the push I needed. A few videos from Exploring Alternatives (find their blog here) later I am incredibly motivated to continue my downsizing and follow my dream of living in a van and travelling with my son. I am incredibly motivated to put everything I can into my non-profit A.R.T. In Action. I am incredibly motivated to continue doing good for others and finding ways to inspire and be inspired with my social enterprise.
I am inspired to live life. To really live it and experience it and study it in all the ways I have been, including zero waste, minimal living and mucking about in the shitty darkness, because this is what makes me who I am.
This is what makes me feel like me, what gets me through the dark and finds the light that feeds my soul full of happiness.